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January 30th 2006

The bear necessities of life will come to you

I promised myself that I’d travel one weekend a month before I ever got back to Missouri. I’ve got a lot of places to see – Kansas City, Chicago, Des Moines (Des   Moines!) – and not a lot of time to see them before I graduate and mosey my way out of flyover country.

So I took a daytrip to Hannibal, Missouri. Hannibal is most known for being the boyhood home of Mark Twain providing the settings of all Tom Sawyer’s adventures. Okay, Hannibal is really only known for Mark Twain. It’s a one-horse town. I mean really really a one-horse town.

But it was only 95 miles from Kirksville, which made for a pleasant drive. I got up around 7, hit the road around 9 and was wandering around Hannibal by 11. Not too bad, really. Except that I’d seen just about everything there was to see by 12:30.

Seriously. I got a picture by the big MT sign, I saw Becky Thatcher’s house and Tom’s fence, I stood next to the Tom & Huck statue and I gazed out across the mighty Mississip. After that there really wasn’t much else to do. I could’ve spent a Hamilton and a half to see some museum filled with stuff I already know (I was a Twain-ophile for a while back in middle school), but I couldn’t bring myself to. I was tempted to see the Mark Twain dioramas, but it was Sunday and they were closed.

Still, I wanted to contributed to the local economy in my own special way, so I got a BLT and some (of the best) onion rings (I’ve ever tasted) at the Mark Twain dinner and headed home. Of course, I wound up taking the long way home (not on purpose) and there was the additional fun that comes from realizing that you’re out of radiator coolant on one of the only stretches of mid-American highway that doesn’t have gas stations every ten minutes. But I’m safe and my truck’s alright and now I’ve got one less city to see before I die.

they’ll come to you,
J.K.F.
pics
and a brand new column on the brand new dorm

January 22nd 2006

And such a fine winter break it was

There was, of course, the more or less standard basics: spending plenty of q-time with family and friends, fitting a trip up to see the folks in Eastern Washington and all the other general mucking around. About the most noteworthy event of the first few weeks of break was the big ‘ol ice storm that hit my home suburb, Troutdale.

If you every find yourself in the rosy heart of Portland, turn East and follow the Mighty Columbia upstream, stopping at the last ‘burb on your way out of Portland. That’s my turf, ‘cuz I’m from the south-central area of the T-dale Projects (as I like to call it).

I wouldn’t get out of the car, though – we Troutdalians have got a nasty rep as being the uneducated hicks of Portland, and we’re not above harassing anyone with even semi-conservative leanings. Slap a Kerry sticker on the back of your car and you’ll be fine. Slap a Nader one on and you’ll probably be offered a free lattes at every stoplight.

But I’m getting ahead of myself – the Columbia river is at the bottom of this big Gorge that basically acts like a wind funnel for the Cascade Mountains. T-dale is the first suburb on the way into Portland, making it prone to winds that would make a sailor cry tears of joy (admittedly not my best metaphor). Every six years or so we get real nasty ice storms, and this was one of the those years. Luckily I had my new camera to document it. My brand spanking new Canon Powershot sd400 cost me 52 hours of labor and is worth every bit – just wait ’til you get a load of all 400+ pics I took this break.

But asides from swooning over my new camera, I also got up to some non-regular mischief, too. Downhill skiing, mostly. My Ma’s Grandparent’s were straight-up, off-the-boat Norwegian immigrants and she meet my Pa (who grew up in Colorado) at Utah‘s Snowbasin ski resort. Being borne of such a formula, I oughta be a world-class Olympic downhill skier. I ain’t, but I can get down about any mountain with something that might be mistaken for style.

So I found myself in Ogden, Utah for the last week of my break. My Ma grew up there, I was born there, and my sister now goes to college in Ogden.There oughta be a word in the English language that describes friends who are so close that the might as well be family. If there is one, I don’t know it. So for now I’ll refer to Carl and Trish as my Uncle Carl and my Aunt Trish. They both call Ogden home, and good ‘ol Carl (plugity plug ) was kind enough to let me crash at his place for the week. This left me free to worry about getting my sister to skip class for the next day of skiing (turns out she doesn’t need much convincing).

And the skiing! Ogden is thirty minutes away from a handful of resorts. Thirty minutes! Back in Oregon it takes us an hour fifteen from garage-door-to-first-lift. And the snow! Dry and soft, like powdered sugar. They say it’s the Greatest Snow On Earth, and I believe it (for now, at least – it’s a life goal of mine to ski the Austrian Alps and really compare the two). But the snow is top-notch and there’s enough of it to go around. There are big open trails, threefold bigger than anything you’d see on Oregon‘s Mount Hood. And the Ogdenites can Ski with a capitol “S”. My Ma has the most beautiful ski style I’d ever seen until I skied with her childhood friend, Trish, who just baaarely edges Ma out. They both make me look like a chump, and I ain’t a chump. Let me reiterate that: I’ve got my share of character flaws but being a chump-on-the-slopes ain’t one. Not that I have to be the best skier on the Mountain to enjoy myself. I don’t, but these Utahians are better than great. They float down the slopes.

I also ventured down to Ogden High School, which you might recognize from such movies as Drive Me Crazy. It’s a beautiful school with big marble halls. The Sandlot was also filmed in Ogden and I sorta wanted to get a picture of the community pool, but it was too far to walk and I didn’t want to sacrifice a day’s worth of skiing to see it.

I’ve got two cousins, Shane and Cody, that go to school just outside Salt Lake. It’s a long story but, try as we might, everything aligned against us and I didn’t get the chance to go sloping with them. A complete bummer, but what can you do? I did get the chance to ski with my Pa’s cousin Ross (which makes him my super-cousin I think – 50% more cousiny than my other cousins). Before leaving Oregon, me and Pa and Ma skied in the New Years with Ross’ brother Ray (another super-cousin of mine). Ross himself lives in Salt Lake City (about 25 minutes south of Ogden) and we (with his daughter and her friend) skied my 2nd-to-last-day at Solitude, one of the Salt Lake resorts. Like always, we had a great time. On the way back we stopped by their house long enough for Ross to change and me to snap a few choice pics.

And so I type this up, waiting for my flight out of SLC to board, mentally unprepared for another semester in the flatlands of America. My knees are shot, my quads burn with enough lactic acid to jump start a car battery, and my little heart is singing. I spent seven of my ten Utah-days whizzing down deliciously deep snow on brand-new planks of fiberglass (I got new ones for Christmas and immediately named them Mary Kate and Ashley – they’re good-looking, skinny, and I walk all over them). If I close my eyes, I can feel the cold slap of the wind on my face as my skis go from groomed corduroy snow to powder. That’s when it feels like your skis lose contact with the ground and you just sort of float a few inches above the world. An incredible feeling and one I just won’t be able to duplicate in Missouri.

the Ketchup Lover
PS – I’m trying a new thing with the pictures: click here to see ’em and be sure to email me with any problems

December 8th 2005

Traveling by myself these days… (I’m into Jazz and felt berets)

I apologize for this being a trifle late; my picture-posting skills are a little rusty. Nonetheless, there are still a few things I’d like to share. But before I go any further you can – if you choose – read this over at www.JoshuasTravels.com and that goes double for all the rest of my mass-emails.

The first semi-big deal: I am now gainfully employed by the Truman Admission’s department. I call up Prospectives and answer questions; spit game for TSU, stuff like that. My time is only worth five-an-hour, but I only work 8hr/wk and it’s a pretty fun job. I’ve talked to some cool people and had some interesting conversations, too. The coolest? Someone with the first name: Zed.

So I’ve always considered it an extreme irony that I spent five months seeing just about everything there is to see in Oz, but now I’m stuck in rural Missouri. And between ROTC, volunteering and all my other extra-cirruluar commitments, I can’t even get away for weekend jaunts. Every Saturday there’s something. It’s irony to the X-treme. Partially because of this I declined my annual Thanksgiving trek back to Oregon in favor of a whirlwind tour of Tennessee. And because my job pays the lowest minimum wage in the country, I tried to spend just about all my money on gas. This led to me quite literally living off my truck for the entire weeklong journey: I slept in the cab, I ate PB&Js from my lock-box and I cooked Road Dogs (a Fentonian invention: hot dogs wrapped in tinfoil and placed on the heat manifold of the engine) in Stormbringer (what I like to call my truck).

The trip:
My good buddy Paul Strauss grew up on a farm. And that’s exactly how I introduced my sister to him when she came out to visit me last year. While my cousin’s grew up on a Colorado sod farm (braggable), Paul grew up on the proverbial 200-odd acre Midwest farm. The kind that feds a nation and makes Mellencamp so proud. With chickens and pigs and stories about hay bales and a rustic house and a reuse-resuse-reuse mentality.

Paul, being the swell guy he is, offered me a place to stay for a night. So I took him up on it and spent my first night in Casa de Strauss. As soon as we walked in the door, Mama&Papa Paul greeted us warmly with open arms and the smell of rich home-cooking. We sat down to potatoes (grown in the garden), lima beans (grown in the garden), home-baked bread, jam made with strawberries (from the garden), applesauce (from trees I saw as I walked in), etc. It was tenfold tastier and no doubt healthier than any McMeal I could’ve had. Probably cheaper, too.

But the company was even better than the food. It brought back old feeling of Fenton dinners. Throughout high school, no matter our individual schedules, we four Fentons made concentrated attempts at sit-down eating and sharing and telling and caring. I’ve no doubt it was a very important element of my development. And the Strauss’s were kind enough to invite me into their fold and share with me. I would’ve been quite satisfied with spending the whole break there. Alas, I was up the next morning and on the road before I knew it. I bid a hardly-adequate thank you and took off.

Louisville:
While there are no pictures of my visit, I did stop here for a few hours time. I really liked L-ville and just about everything I saw reminded me of Leave It To Beaver. The city has good atmosphere.

The Smokys:
What can I say about the Smokys? The Rockys are bigger but the way the vegetation creeps up around the Smokys, they’re just as beautiful – maybe even more so. Yet the skiing is better in Colorado, so it’s a trade-off.

Driving and hiking around the Smokys, completely awed by nature, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that this is the sort of environment Davy Crockett grew up in.

An interesting side note: I was wandering aimlessly around the visitor’s center when I overheard the accents of two New Zealanders. One thing led to another and I wound up giving them a lift 3 miles up the road, so they could do the hike they wanted to. I was going that way anyway and I wouldn’t really mention it except the absolute quirkiness of it all. Natives from what might-as-well-be-Australia, I was able to return one of the favors I was given so often in the Lucky Country.

I was also able to take some pictures in some interestingly-named cities: Fenton (a retail suburb of St. Louis) and Paris, TN and London, TN and the Chattahoochee National Forest (I like Alan Jackson and I’m not afraid to admit it). I also paid my $11 to see the Hermitage, home of the best President this country ever had. While I was there I took a few tours, watched a short biography-film and read most of the little signs posted. They didn’t mention Andrew Jackson’s involvement in the Trail Of Tears at all. Which I found amusing but unmoving: AJ’s the Best Prez Ever because he had more bravado in his left hand than Carter had in his entire body. This is important: pretty much every ranking lists AJ in the top ten and Carter somewhere waaaay past eleven.

I also made it to Rock City, which has a little precipice from which you can see 7 states at once (I must admit S. Carolina looked a whole awful lot like W. Virginia). I saw Nashville and the Grand Ol Opry (a big money pit) and I visited Lynchburg, TN. What’s in Lynchburg, TN you ask? Enough Jack Daniels to drown a herd of elephants, that’s what. I got a tour of the factory and you can think of me the next time you see a bottle of JD. I have repeat: have been in the same room that every drop of the stuff must pass through before they separate out the mash from the whiskey. The tour guide was real clichéd ‘ol Tennessean with the great backwoods, deadpan sense of humor that that implies. He pronounced Government guh-mut and made all sorts of really
subtle, really funny wisecracks.

Fenton
http://fento.ath.cx/photos/2005/4_winter/thanksgivingjunioryr/

October 27th 2005

as I was going to Saint Ives

The Ranger Challenge came and went; there’s nothing I can say about that I haven’t already said. It always sort of seems like – with the Challenge, I mean – I’m either bragging or complaining, so I’m not going to really go into it. We took a solid second out of 26 schools (and a lot of them are a big, big schools). It’s been over for a couple weeks now and I’m still waiting on getting a solid CD of the all pictures. As soon as I do, I’ll post ’em and shoot out a link. In the meantime, here are two new columns by your favorite rhetorician:

On my wonderful Oregon
http://www.trumanindex.com/media/paper607/news/2005/09/29/Opinions/Back-From.Abroad.Columnist.Reminisces.About.Oregon.Life-1002357.shtml

Definitely isn’t my best column, but it does make for interesting reading:
http://www.trumanindex.com/media/paper607/news/2005/10/20/Opinions/Americans.Will.Be.WellServed.When.They.Think.For.Themselves-1025804.shtml
& a letter-to-the-editor about that last column
http://www.trumanindex.com/media/paper607/news/2005/10/27/Letters/Columnists.Take.On.War.On.Terror.Was.Based.On.Misrepresentations-1034419.shtml

and, as an added bonus I’ve attached my first photographic work ever published. The Monitor is the campus alternative newspaper, and I submitted (I hope to make it a habit) a photo of mine, which they promptly -and surprisingly – ran. I plan on using the Monitor to express viewpoints that might be a little too extremist for the Index and my official, Army-bound career, hence my uber-clever and unhackable Monitor-pseudonym Fosh Jenton (visible in the bottom right corner). Speaking honestly, one of the strongest lessons I’ve learned in college is the extreme value of Plausible Deniablity.

yours,
Captian Colossal

dscn6535small.JPG dscn6540small.JPG

September 28th 2005

death and taxes

I know that you know that I know how happy all you guys are that I only took 17 pictures this trip. Well, trip might be a bit of a mis-label. “Denver and back in 72 hours” is a bit more accurate. Being the adventurous sort I am, I swung up to Des Monies, then shot across Nebraska, mostly because I’ve never seen Des Monies, Iowa: A) any town my buddy Iowa (I think I’ve explained this before, but his real name is Greg. I just call him Iowa because I think it’s cool. It’s probably not.) is from has to be worth checking out and B) Jack Kerouac wrote in On The Road that “the prettiest girls in the world live in Des Monies,” which certainly doesn’t discourage me.

Alas, the only girls I saw in DMI were a bunch of teenie-bopper wanna-be groupies (which cannot be representative of the population). This is because I basically grabbed an A&W burger and some gas and pressed on. I was out of the city limits twenty minutes after I entered them. This depresses me but not too much: that Iowa guy (J/K!!!!!!! LOL!!!!) promised me that some long weekend we’d breeze on up there and see Des Monies as it was meant to be seen. Maybe even this weekend, if he’s not to offended by this writeup. DMI is one city I could spend more time in.

Like I said, I left Kirksville and drove north, towards Canada and Freedom. When I hit Des Monies I swerved left. About halfway through Nebraska the sun set and there was this fantastic thunder storm that was lightning up everywhere and making these huge explosion sounds. The simulated sound of heavy artillery, combined with the Red Bull knockoff (Red Thunder; the logo makes me think “Shazam!”) I was chugging, reminded me of the big Superman vs. Capt. Marvel brawl in Alex Ross’ Kingdom Come. If you know what I’m talking about, don’t admit it.

I took a short cat-nap just outside of Omaha, slapped myself awake and drove straight through to Denver, arriving around 4AM. I only mention this because it sets up this next sentence. Crossing the Colorado border at 3AM in rainy weather with Supertramp blaring on the stereo makes for a thoroughly bizarre experience.

After another short cat-nap in my grandfolks house it was ocho o’clock. And since my Pa picked up my sister (she’s a Frosh at a University in the same Utah-city I was born in) on his way to 38th state to join the Union, we kicked off our day with a big old brekky. It was a pretty busy day; we worked on my truck a bit, hit the farmer’s market, wandered up to the hippie-college-town that is Boulder and managed to squeeze in a few hours with menien Onkel and Tante, too. A quick side-note about that very same Uncle and Aunt. They own a sod farm. I was tyring to relate this to someone in Australia once and I said “grass” instead of “sod” and then spent the next ten minutes explaining that it has absolutely no connection to marijuana.

But before I knew it I was up bright and early for some more drivin’. I drive a Big Truck that just screams (A)’merican! I maybe would have liked something a bit smaller but it’s in great shape, so I’m not about to complain. It’s got two big tanks that can slurp up 32 gallons, total, giving me a range of about 500 miles. And boy howdy do use it. It’s hell on my kidneys, but I get all 500 in before I pull over. I’ve really embraced my truck, especially after doing Macho jobs with it all summer. And how macho is it to wake up, drive across 3/4 Colorado, all of Kansas and 95% of Missouri, crash for five hours, wake up and run a couple miles with the Ranger Challenge? Very macho, that’s how macho.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I stopped off outside Kansas City to see an old Trumaner. Kelsey’s super-cool; she’s from Plattsburg, MO (pop: 2,000) and proud of it. She transferred out of Truman last year, which is something I can respect without appreciating. Not to drone on and on, but she turned a dreary pit stop into two hours of more-or-less non-stop smiling. And it being post-Kansas just made it even more cool, because Kansas sucks. Kansas is full of corn and flat as a griddle-cake – the highest point in the state is a freeway overpass. Driving through Kansas is purgatory. I honestly considered motoring through it at night, just so I wouldn’t have to look at it. In conclusion, I hope our paths cross again sometime in the near future and hope she hopes the same hope (LOL!!!!!!!!). And that about ends it.

Fenton

http://fento.ath.cx/photos/2005/3_fall/denver/index.html

let's lose charley